Jan 11

I bought some acrylic paint with some leftover amazon gift card monopoly dollars and I'm gonna figure out how to get some cardboard for free to paint on.. Might do some studies of like, Rebecca Sugar and other artists I like. Big goal is to do more stuff in color instead of black and white like a coward. Started trying to outline the plot of the comic that's been in my head for a while. Weed helps, kinda -- the ideas just seem to fall out once I start typing, although I'm not sure they're that great. I got this new shirt that I like, it's like.. if you've ever see that "born to die, world is a fuck" image, it's that. on a shirt. amazing. I'm sure it'll age about as well as milk, but I like it now at least.

Been talking to someone new on discord. They're cool, and make cool art. We talk more or less every day, so far. It's.. Is that weird? That's my first impulse, to talk to someone every day. That's how I am with my boyfriend and closest friends in the past.. I've been like that since like, the 2nd grade? I feel weird about that, but also about not talking to someone every day.. I dunno if that's what just. Regular friends do.

I wonder if they really like my art.. I want to be involved with more artists in a way where there's mutual admiration. Relative to a lot of other artists I'm just.. not that good, and I don't like a lot of other people's art, and it seems like other people just don't like mine that much.. idk how much of that is just how hard it is to get attention, but i think it's definitely not all of it.

"Regular friends".. I dunno if i even need to be holding myself against the idea of what a regular person is. Like, autism, psychedelics, years of isolation and spending the majority of your life online is bound to turn you into something else. An alien. A defective alien. that's what i am. I draw, paint, and write what i think the humans will like from the comfort of my flying saucer despite not having lived a full enough life to create a believable facsimile of those things that humans like. I think I'd rather make art without the nonexistant audience in my head to try to appeal to, but I don't really know how to do that. I feel like I'm cursed to be on some Tommy Wiseau shit instead, trying to do things I can't really do..

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