march 18

i had a really good time on lsd and drew a bunch of art that was emotionally relevant to me in a way that my art typically isn't. my last acid trip was really bad and was right when i was just barely coming to terms with being queer so it got really dysphoric and agonizing, but this one was much better. i talked to my friends on discord throughout the entire night and they helped me stay in a decent headspace and encouraged me to draw early on which was nice and helped a lot. I used my Big Nervous Energy to crack a ton of jokes after the peak, even though i felt like a clenched fist and shook like a small dog the whole time. by now (the 20th) my residual good vibes have mostly dissipated and i feel less stable emotionally, which kinda sucks. although volatility is pleasant in its own way. having a wider and/or more intense range of emotional responses usually comes with more empathy, which makes me feel like a better person and helps me make art that i find less empty. it's like i'm experiencing life more fully even if its just having to stop myself from crying at work. oh, speaking of work, i think i triggered something akin to a hypomanic episode last thursday or friday. i was sleep deprived and hopped up on caffiene and then had this really sweet upward mood swing once the customers left. it was like, amazing, for about 16 hours before i bummed myself out again the next morning.

i keep worrying that i'm too demanding emotionally, i think i should widen my friend group so i can spread the load of my emotional junk between the people i talk to more thinly. i don't want to hurt people or burden them. i want to be close to people and talk to them and not push them away.

lately i find myself desiring to be surrounded by cute things. i hate being enveloped by these boring ugly colors. greens and browns and navies. where's the fun in those? i want to coccoon myself in plush and pastels, even if my ugly shape being amongst the pretty things would be incongruous to most any observer.

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