november 28

So i'm here in Nebraska. I've been here for a little over a month i think? I have a car and a job now. The car i use to function as an adult is in my name but my grandma bought it for me on the condition that i go to school, which i don't want to do really. I just don't have any choice, if i want to not be scummy. I think it's fucked up that like. My only option as far as being able to not be completely immobile and dependent was predicated on my doing something I don't want to do and don't really feel capable of doing though. Like hey die or do this thing that isn't necessary and you have no desire to do.

I feel like my success in school last year was predicated on being able to attend classes in person, which i can't justify doing here due to my school being 50 miles away. That's 300 miles a week with how classes are scheduled. I'd much prefer to do in person lectures, and i think i'm probably not cut out for online classes. I did online classes in high school and it didn't go well. I saw research about how online classes only work for students who are already doing excellent jobs of managing themselves and tend to produce worse outcomes for everybody else. Pretty sure i'm in the everybody else category. I'd rather just work.

My job is as a cashier at a gas station. It's nice. Dealing with people makes me happier than washing dishes. Racks of dishes don't make jokes or small talk or say thank you. The people who come in between like 7pm and midnight are my favorite, they like to chat usually. Customers can be a lot of fun. I still go home tired but this is the most rewarding job i've had yet. I've had dreams about customers gendering me correctly that made me really happy. Hasn't happened yet but maybe someday.

Still not enjoying not knowing anyone here. I want to try to fix it but family and acquaintances who don't know i'm trans aren't reassuring because what little we have is still predicated on me cosplaying as a dude and not making progress in my transition beyond what i feel like i can hide or make excuses for. I want to come out soon since i might have a shot at being self supporting soon.

I don't know if it'll fix anything. Like is this why i feel so alienated from them or is it something else? Am i just bad at maintaining relationships with people other than like. People i'm really strongly attached to? Will coming out, even assuming the reaction is positive, help make a dent in what years of this have done? I don't really know. I'm not ready to find out yet, but i want to soon.

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