jan 06

i feel like ive forgotten the person i want to be again. this happens sometimes and it always feels really bad. i think its probably really important to remember what you want to be. even if its just a stupid collection of adjectives its. at least more than just feeling bad and not knowing whats going on or why or how to change.

my semester starts in about a week. not really looking forward to doing this right now. i'm remembering who i want to be in how i relate to people. i still have no clue what i want to do with my life in terms of concrete details other than. wear progressively louder and more colorful clothing and save money to visit maddi and eventually have an apartment

like. i'm remembering who i want to be as a person and how i want to be to people. idk if i have room in my head to figure the rest out right now.

college is probably important or whatever but all i want to do is work to have money and figure out how to do something other than lay down in my spare time that isnt. more work except i dont get paid for it? i know im not laboring for the school, it's for me, but it's. labor i dont want to be doing. im not sure how to find people to connect with. exploring the world outside of bedrooms seems easier to motivate when youre not alone. im making it nicer to be here in my bedroom but. theres probably more to life than this and i dont know where to start

i'm trying to keep making art and starting to read tarot. theres a tv in my room but i never turn it on. i think about it but it feels like theres a force field around the remote. i'm gonna dye my hair green soon. hopefully like a yellow green. going for yellowish radioactive cartoon slime greens not. cold grassy forest greens.

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